EasyJet is to introduce basic numeracy training for its passengers to help them count to one. The new measure is launched as research reveals that 100% of the airlines’ passengers in Stanstead’s Departure Lounge cannot distinguish between one cabin bag and two.

On arrival at the bag drop, passengers will be required to study a picture of one carry-on luggage item and say how many bags there are. They have three attempts.

“It’s not like it’s quantum physics or anything,” says exasperated check-in clerk Wendy Milf. “They can read the ‘one cabin bag only’ sign okay, they just can’t work out that two bags are not one bag. Not a single one of them. None.”

Double-bagger Chloe Shelf says her flight to Malaga was ruined by “having to do sums while that bitch at the desk tries to stuff my clutch into my Louis Vuitton.”

“I mean I’m Speedy Boarding any everything, so she can fuck off with that counting shit,” she reasons.

Wendy says if she has to tell one more hen party bound for Alicante that “your handbag is actually another bag, ladies” she will “ram their fat Primark arses into the baggage size check gauge.”

“I mean, handbag,” she adds. “The clue’s in the fucking name.”

“And yes, a suitcase is a bag too so don’t fucking try that one on me either, sunshine,” she smiles.