Fri. Dec 4th, 2020

A Government statement has explained why they don’t want ‘A’ level results determined by a student’s past performance:

The algorithm we used to calculate the 2010 ‘A’ level results carefully weighed several factors including the phase of the moon and a reading of entrails to determine if the student is likely to succeed in life. We do not want to confuse the science with backward looking approaches, we need to keep our eye on the future and move on. Imagine if Governments were judged on their past performance? It would be a disaster, nobody would ever get re-elected.

Gavin Williamson, Government Scapegoat

The statement was issued in response to teacher, student and public reaction to the results handed out this week.

Concern is now mounting with regard to the forthcoming GCSE results amid rumours that the government is replacing examination boards with witches covens responsible for each subject.

A government procurement contract is being discussed for procurement of two million crystal spheres and fourteen million black candles.


We were appalled that the government should so treat A Level students so badly that we created this T-Shirt.


Do you fancy writing for the 83rd Best Satire Site on the Internet?

Think you can write a better story? Why not give it a go? Send your fantastical tale to submissions@chattychimp.com

We look forward to hearing from you.


identicon

By Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!