A Government statement has explained why they don’t want ‘A’ level results determined by a student’s past performance:

The algorithm we used to calculate the 2010 ‘A’ level results carefully weighed several factors including the phase of the moon and a reading of entrails to determine if the student is likely to succeed in life. We do not want to confuse the science with backward looking approaches, we need to keep our eye on the future and move on. Imagine if Governments were judged on their past performance? It would be a disaster, nobody would ever get re-elected.

Gavin Williamson, Government Scapegoat

The statement was issued in response to teacher, student and public reaction to the results handed out this week.

Concern is now mounting with regard to the forthcoming GCSE results amid rumours that the government is replacing examination boards with witches covens responsible for each subject.

A government procurement contract is being discussed for procurement of two million crystal spheres and fourteen million black candles.

We were appalled that the government should so treat A Level students so badly that we created this T-Shirt.