In the clearest message yet to Government, business has confirmed that it cares only about money and the environment can go hang.

Glib messages on corporate websites about social and environmental responsibility have turned out to be bollocks and, with uncertainty around the corner blamed on Brexit and the Government’s piss poor handling of the negotiations, big businesses want the world to know that Only Money Matters.

A spokesman for the Institute For Business said, “The Government dished out grants of £4,500 per vehicle as an incentive for fleet operators to buy new-fangled petrol/electric hybrid cars. Businesses said thank you very much. It’s always good to have that sort of top up to the executive bonus pot.”

But not everybody welcomed the imposition of plug-in cars. John Clarkson, a company car driver, said, “These cars are no use if I have to be in Macclesfield in the morning and Bridgend in the afternoon. At least, that’s what we say. What we really mean is, how are we supposed to make a profit on our petrol expenses claims if we are driving glorified milk floats?”

An investigation has found that company car drivers have a strong preference for petrol engines and that many drivers haven’t even taken the charging kit out of its cellophane wrapper, choosing simultaneously to run the car on petrol only, whilst enjoying the lower taxation associated with electric vehicles. “Win-win,” said Mr Clarkson.

The Chatty Chimp approached The Treasury and DEFRA for comment. They told us they’d respond as soon as a query over petrol expenses had been cleared up.