Monkey News

The Gammonary – Ye Olde English Dictionary of worde, phrase und fable

In social media and everyday life it can be difficult to pin down the modern meanings and usages of words, phrases and acronyms. Fed up with the inclusion of foreign words into English, The Gammon Publishing Company decided to offer its own Dictionary,  ‘The Gammonary – Making English Great Again’.

Send any contributions or suggested amendments to or via our FB Page The Chatty Chimp or via @chatty_chimp on Twitter.

Basic Rules of Gammon

As a Gammon user you can add extra emphasis to anything you write by mis-spelling anything and  including random capitals, for example “Go HoMe u filTHee ForNEEr”

A Gammon speaker should avoid using words of more than two syllables, this will only confuse you and your listener/reader.

Anything spoken or written should be presented in a furiously angry tone, think of a White middle-aged man trying to understand gender fluidity.


Aardvark (N) – Credit Blackadder. Well, how could you not?

Arsewipe (N) – Piers Morgan.

Artisan restaurant (n)- Over priced food establishment, favoured by lefties, where your food is either served on a chopping board, in a small bucket or in something your Nan kept in the back of her cupboard. Avoid.

Anti-Establishment (N) – Any privately educated politician or multi-millionaire business man supporting Brexit and claiming to be the ‘common-sense’ voice of the man in the street.


Banter (n)- A verbal tic used in the same way as allegedly, i.e. to justify any derogatory remark. E.g. “Go home you black bastard, just banter mate, can’t you take a joke?” or “Show us your tits luv! just banter, can’t you take a joke.” or “Piers, you cunt. No that is all I’ve got.” See Kent.

Boris (n) – common parlance among healthcare professionals, meaning the sum of £350 million. Example, “Can I borrow a Boris to keep my Accident and Emergency Department open?”. See Kent.

Brexit (n) – Something 52% of the population are dreadfully keen on as long as nothing actually changes.

Brexiteer (n) – Relative term, variously, a fearless champion of democracy, upholder of sovereignty, patriot and an all round good bloke. Or, an under-educated knuckle dragging racist.

But (Conj) – Used to change the meaning of a sentence to give the appearance that the speaker didn’t mean what they meant to mean, when they said it. As in, “I am not saying other races are worthless BUT we’re better and that’s a fact.”


Cherry Picking (n) – Jobs foreneers come over here to do.


Deal or No Deal (n) – TV Game Show hosted by Noel Edmonds, with the longest round in TV Game Show history, currently being played by Theresa May. The Banker is yet to make an offer.

Democracy (n) – What everyone is trying to take away  from you, even though the only time you ever voted was for the dancing dog in Britain’s Got Talent.

Dyson (pronoun) – billionaire Brexiteer, inventor of colourful vacuum cleaners manufactured in Malaysia; designer of electric car to be built in Singapore. See also Kent


Elite (n) – The enemy of the man in the street who, ironically seeks to be come ‘Elite’ by discriminating against anyone weaker than them.


Freedom (Asp)  – Used to try to win arguments when the speaker lacks logic, evidence or reason. Means you are not allowed to think differently from the common herd and you are a traitor/fascist/communist/elitist/dictator for even considering a different point of view.

Foreneer, Forner, Filthy Forner (n) – Anyone who cannot trace their origin back to William The Conqueror, himself a ‘filthy forner’, who should get back to where he came from.


Gammon (n) – Florid faced middle-aged white, apoplectic about everything in the world and wishing for the return of The British Empire. Face like a giant ham. Usually seen on BBC Question Time supporting Nigel Farrage et al.


Hogwash (n) – What David Cameron uses to glaze a suckling pig.


Kent (Pro) – County formerly known as The Garden of England, now regarded as the world’s largest lorry park. Alt, When Jacob Rees-Mogg tries to insult one of the very lower orders, as in, “You Utter Kent!”


Leave means Leave (Phr)A Buddhist like chant used, by Brexiteers, to control their anxiety when presented by evidence of the disastrous consequences of leaving the EU.

LGBTQ – Bottom line of the optician’s reading test


Man-in-the-Street (n) – Used to describe someone who believes their ill-informed view matters, and should be taken into account by politicians, but in fact has no say in anything, ever.

Metropolitan Elite (Phr) – Used to describe and denigrate those who can read, write and critically assess evidence and are, incorrectly, believed to control everything.


NHS (acr) – Acronym standing for National Health Scandal. A well regarded healthcare service, free of charge at the point of use, but feeling under-resourced to the tune of £350 million per week. See also Boris.


Pumpkin (n) – Obese, orange coloured vegetable leaving an unpleasant taste in the mouth. Also known as a Trump.


Remainer/Remoaner (n) – The opposite of a Brexiteer. A member of the elite, anti-democratic, enemy of the state. Over-educated Guardian reading libtard.


Single market (n) – The small supermarket attached to the petrol station.

Sovrignty, Soverenty, Soverieignty (Var) – Something no one actually understands but is convinced we lost by signing mutually beneficial, negotiated treaties and working practices. Synonym for Freedom and Democracy.


Them (Pro) – Either ‘those bloody forneers coming over here stealing our jobs by claiming benefit’ or ‘those responsible for any bad thing that  happens, ever’. If we could lock up ‘The Them’ all our problems would be solved.

The Daily Mail (Tit, Brexiteer) – The Gammon bible, brimming with cutting edge news, reminding fellow Gammoners why ‘this country has gone to the dogs’, as ‘them forenners have nicked our jobs.

The Daily Fail (Tit, Remoaner) – packed to the gunnels with the rhetoric of hate, creating a Gammon sound boarding  platform, from which to surf among the low earning mortals preaching such pearls as ‘no-one gave me anything’, ‘a slap never hurt me’, ‘in my day, I grew up in a single room, with twenty six siblings and painted my feet with shoe polish, as we couldn’t afford shoes’.

Top Bloke (n) – Multi-millionaire public school boy and hedge fund manager, down to his last £4.5 Million, who really understands the plight of the downtrodden and disadvantaged and isn’t afraid to say it like it is. Smoker. See Kent

Trump (n) – See Pumpkin, Kent, Arsewipe


Vegetarian (n) – Labour supporter. Suspicious individual claiming only to eat vegetables, who must clearly miss bacon or at the very least eat fish or very thin ham.

Vegan (n) – Communist. Deeply suspicious individual, professing not only to eat a plant based diet but has no eggs or cheese to boot! If you come into contact with one, greet them with a face akin to chewing a wasp, whilst sniffing a fresh dog turd. If they ask for the vegan option, offer them a taxi, whilst laughing haughtily.

Visa (n) – the name given to the document allowing an individual permission to travel between countries, usually requiring the payment of a modest fee. A source of outrage among Brexiteers who insist they should still be able to travel to and from Benidorm with merely a wave of their blue British passport.


Will of the People (Ironic) – A phrase used by people who think they understand democracy and didn’t vote for proportional representation. Invoked when faced with evidence contrary to their view.

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