Dr Liam Fuchs is delighted to announce the completion of an Anglo- American trade deal to secure the free exchange of swear words.

This deal secures loads of jobs in northern marginal constituencies, where the use of swear words has a rich cultural heritage.

Under the terms of the deal European swear words, such as ‘Tout Alors’ ‘Merde’ ‘Sheis’ ‘Putana’ ‘Sacrebleu’ and ‘DumpKopff’ will now be banned.

There was some debate about the traditional ownership of some swear words. For example the phrase ‘Bloody fucking cunt’ has a rich European linguistic Heritage. A compromise was reached and it’s been agreed to replace it with ‘Michael Gove’ as in “You Michael Gove!”

We will be importing, more Americanisms, “Damn”, “Goddamn”, “Heck” and “MoFuckka” and we’ve agree to repurpose some words; ‘Faggot’ now refers to Gays, ‘Ass’ will replace the grammatically correct ‘Arse’ and a ‘Pussy’ is not a cat.

“Douche-bag” is expected to lead to higher importation of bathroom products, whilst the term “Salad Tosser” may cause some confusion in Scotland.

In return the Americans have agreed to increase their use of “Wank-Muffin”, “Dipshit”, Wanker” and “Fuckwit” as they feel they can all be used in reference to their President.

They are also keen to import some of the more traditional terms, such as “Crikey” “Lorks ” and “Cockwomble”.

Dr Fuchs said, “See I told you doing deals would be easy.”

He went on to add, “This deal shows we are a vibrant, swearing nation and we can lead the world in insults, vulgarity and euphemisms. This deal would not have been possible under the EU’s Profanity Quotas and shows what we can achieve once we are free to trade with people we were always free to trade with anyway.”