British YardstickMonkey Life

Police to enforce social distancing by using a British Yardstick

After confirmation from The Prime Minister that Brexit continues, the Government are reintroducing imperial measurements, starting with The British Yardstick.

Following on from countless breaches of the social distancing regulations, The Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, plans to issue all British Bobbies with a yardstick. This means The Police can ensure everyone stays at least 2 1/5th  yards away from each other.

“You know where you are with a proper British Yardstick, and that is at a safe distance. I’m proud to say the Government are investing in British business, the supply of The British Yardstick to our wonderful police force can only be good for the country. It will give the British People the comfort of knowing that they have better protection than under the EU’s two-meter-rule because as every schoolchild knows, 6’ 6’’ is slightly further than two meters.”

jog off Bobby
British Bobbie holding a highly polished yardstick

Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Branson, Dyson and Tim Martin have formed a consortium to provide The Police Service with The British Yardstick. The French will manufacture The British Yardstick, which will be made by cutting the handles off old people’s walking sticks. Given the importance of social distancing measures, suppliers will prioritise the provision of The British Yardstick, over face masks. They will be ready for delivery by the end of September. The resulting profits will route through The Cayman Islands.

To ensure the correct use of The British Yardstick, The Police will receive full training. This will focus on metric to imperial conversion methods, how to use the British Yardstick to measure distance, and how to maintain your stick through a regieme of vigorous oiling and polishing.  

Meanwhile, the government continues.

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