Mon. Sep 27th, 2021

A group of British scientists have published a paper claiming that the larger a human’s ears are, the lower quality of hearing they will have.

The study follows a continuous complaint (since the dawning of time) from older acquirers of ears who, ‘don’t know what you’re saying’. This often results in the exclamation, ‘speak up’, being heard – depending, of course, on the age of the verbal recipient.

Auralie Deph, one of the scientists involved in the breakthrough discovery, spoke at a public press conference: ‘Read the BFG. It’ll explain everything.

The scientists have produced an ‘easy to understand’ line graph which could soon feature on the walls and doors of workplaces and social gathering spots across the country.


It is not yet known whether an anti-growing ear cream or ointment will soon be available to purchase, though expect such a product to be on your shelves very soon.

A proposed follow up study into the size of our noses relative to our sense of smell is already in the works, with the scientists saying, “We are yet to come up with a hypothesis”.


By Brice Ledingham

He is a very bright young man who is just starting to make his way as a comedy writer and performer. If you want to book him for a gig then send an email to

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