Sun. Sep 19th, 2021

The DofE faced a backlash today after plans to make talking during third-period Science a capital offence were leaked to the media.

DofE spokesperson, Ian Napton, defended the plans; “Of course, people are questioning this policy. I think it just needed some clarification. It wouldn’t apply only to third-period lessons and would of course be used in subjects other than Science. We think this will curb the worrying trend of not all children going on to become high-flying business executives.”

Mr Napton went on to lay out other upcoming DofE schemes, “Having looked at data from across all schools in England, it is clear that not all students are going on to become highly-successful, with literally thousands never even being considered for the post of CEO at IBM. Some people would say this makes them utterly worthless pieces of trash, but we’re not so sure.”

As a response, the DofE sent a specialist crack team of Classics professors from Cambridge to investigate, “They were appalled, of course. One of our professors asked a Key-Stage 3 student in Hull a simple question about Wittgenstein’s Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus and received only a blank expression in response.”

Asked what the Classics professors’ thought could be done about this, Ian Napton said, “Well they were quick to advocate selective breeding amongst the lower classes, and this is something we are looking into along with the Department for Culture, Media and Sport – all of which would be highly affected by any intensive new breeding programmes.


By Alain Sheerer

Alain Sheerer is our Sports Correspondent. Someone has to do it. Always useful for a betting tip, whatever he advises, do the opposite. His best man was William Hill.

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