Monkey Life

Scientists prove that when mummy needs some help around the house, daddy’s bound to have buggered off again

Scientists have unveiled an algorithm relating to men, which plots the converse law of need, verses availability, in times of urgency.

Dubbed the McPhee paper, extensive research into male behaviour patterns, suggested that the greater the severity of the family crisis, the least likely they are to be contactable.

Frustrated parent of three, Gillian Napton reflected, ‘You can bet your bottom dollar, that when a sick bug is raging through the house and I’m knee deep in shite, Ian will be mysteriously called away on business.’

Similarly, other mothers complained that their spouses’ annual golf expeditions, inexplicably seemed to synchronise with school events, such as sports days, parents’ evenings and the school fete.

Conversely, ladies found their partners to be unusually attentive, when they were attempting to have ‘alone time’. Choosing to empty their bowels in the family bathroom, whilst their wife was relaxing in the tub, or doing the ‘willy-dance’, whilst their spouse was buried in a book, was highlighted as routine practice.

Confirming this experience, Sarah from Bromley shared, ‘When the kids are feral monsters, no sign of him. The moment they’re verging on sleep, he miraculously reappears and chooses that moment to share his extensive repertoire of fart and poo jokes.’

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