Following confirmation that police don’t catch criminals, Theresa May announced the immediate abolition of the British Police Force.

In a surprise move, Mrs May confirmed that the police force costs the British tax payer over £12bn every year to run. The loss of the Police Force would free up vast sums of money to be spent on other, more important services, like health.

Responding to an urgent Parliamentary question, the Home Secretary Sajid Javid admitted that this was an unexpected development. However he defended the Prime Minister’s announcement. “What matters is how I keep my job and how we ensure Britain’s just-about-managing-hard-working-families don’t see their taxes wasted on unnecessary, outdated bureaucracy. ”

As she drove a bus with ‘230 million per week to spend on the NHS’ written down the side, through the streets of Sunderland, Prime Minister May dismissed claims that retaining a police force would help solve crime, insisting that there is “no direct correlation” between the two.

“I can’t imagine why nobody thought of this before” stated Mrs May. “What a fine thing, if most of that wasted money was spent on the NHS instead”.

When challenged about her policy, Mrs May called on the House of Commons to put aside party politics and focus on the needs of the country.  “Let me be clear. It’s time for us to come together and put my needs above the national interest”.

When asked where this would leave the prison service, Mrs May laughed. “Ah, you’ve guessed my next move! Imagine the future in our glorious post-Brexit Britain, where all the prisons are turned into more hospitals before being sold off to property developers.”