The Prime Minster has chaired a meeting of the COBRA emergency committee to address the new danger in frontline British politics, Milkshake.

Ministers have long been accustomed to the threat of being egged whilst out in public, but the arrival of milkshakes on the scene has been viewed as a sinister new twist in Britain’s divided society. With European elections imminent, politicians of all persuasions have been obliged to do the part of their job they like least – to go out and meet the public, and the inherent dangers of doing so cannot be underestimated on these “outdoors” occasions.

The Conservative Party’s guidance for its politicians and officials as to what to do in the event of an altercation is to “look momentarily flustered, then carry on regardless.” The Labour Party’s Prescott Guidance, says MP’s should “throw a punch if the offender is still in reach.” But both parties admit that their guidance is outdated and, crucially, based on the incoming missile being an egg. No guidance exists for attack by milkshake.

The Prime Minister has tasked Chris Grayling to liaise with the consulting industry on milkshake avoidance, and firms with no experience at all of defending against milkshakes are urgently tendering for a multi-million pound contract to provide milkshake defence services.

Meanwhile, the Lib Dems have vigorously denied responsibility for the recent vicious attack on Nigel Farage.

Brexit continues, nervously.