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SAS to test lethal Milkshakes under battle conditions

Following COBRA’s emergency ‘Milkshake Menace’ meeting, the SAS are to test Milkshakes tactical effectiveness under battle conditions.

As the number of Milkshakings have increased our brave politicians have had first-hand experience of Milkshakes offensive capabilities. The recent spate of attacks have left some rich politicians with a dry-cleaning bill running into pounds.

This isn’t the first time the elite forces have tested food weaponization. Drawing on traditional public protests, where rotten tomatoes and eggs were used to register disapproval, the SAS battle-tested their effectiveness. However, neither food performed well. Enemy cooks simply countered the threat by rustling up a quick omelette.

However, this week’s Defence Secretary, is hopeful that Milkshake can prove to be a useful offensive weapon. Whilst avoiding UN sanction as a banned chemical weapon it still has the potential to disrupt the enemy, by producing a very unpleasant smell if uniforms are not promptly cleaned.

Military scientists are analysing Milkshakes lethality, with different flavours having varying risk factors. Salted Caramel is, currently, considered the most dangerous, with the added salt having the potential to raise blood pressure, in the long term.

Some financial analysts have cast doubt on the plan, citing cost concerns. Weaponised milkshake currently costs £5.25 per portion, whereas a traditional grenade comes in at £3.75 a pineapple.  Both have their pros and cons. A hand-grenade has a known destructive radius, whereas Milkshake simply makes a pompous, elitist, twat look stupid but without damaging property.

Brexit continues.

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