Following the biggest and driest Glastonbury for years, in a welcome boost to the UK economy, drug dealers have reported a bumper sales boost at this year’s festival.

Ian ‘The Gange’ Napton, “We had a brilliant few days, much better than we expected. It seems the crowd were ‘totes up’ for ‘getting off their tits’.”

“As usual the Blow sold well and the new vape inhalers boosted accessory sales. We’re seeing a clear trend towards healthier drug addiction.”

“Coke sales crashed after so many Tory MP’s admitted it was their drug of choice. No one wants to take the same drugs as their dad.”

“However, Molly went through the roof, helped by the good weather and the Magic Mushies were very popular with vegan junkies and tea drinkers.”

“We also saw a marked increase in the sale of ‘Grey Drugs’, like Sanatogen, Seven Seas and Cod Liver Oil. This unexpected bonus was driven by the appearance of ; Kylie, Janet Jackson, Jeff Goldblum, Bananarama, Vera Lynn and Nicholas Parsons.”

The Police said they were glad the event had gone well and that they hadn’t had to do anything more arduous than sit in the sun eating donuts. “It’s not on our agenda to arrest middle-class white kids getting their rocks off. The worst this lot get up to is some remorseful sex, shitting in a bucket and telling everyone they meet that they ‘should feel the vibe’” ,”keep it real” and “just chill”. The only thing they use a knife for is destoning an avocado.”