Monkey News

Part-Time Coin Tosser out performs Deutsche Bank traders

A part-time, just-for-fun shares trader pissed himself with laughter today as it emerged Deutsche Bank are sacking the professionals they employed to do the same job.

Ian Napton, a complete guesser who grew up in the Surrey Stockbroker Belt, told us, “Shares are either going to go up or down, aren’t they? It’s a fifty/fifty guess. You don’t need an Economics degree to work that out. I toss my lucky coin, heads for up, tails for down, and bet accordingly. I made £22 today.”

Deutsche Bank announced on Sunday how irritating it is to pay people six-figure salaries plus bonuses to perform complex market analysis work, only to see them outperformed by a part-time coin tosser from Carsharlton, while its own share price has plummeted from €91 to €7 over the last twelve years. “Yes, I made good money on them collapsing,” Napton told us. “A very profitable tails, that one.”

Ripples are already being felt across London’s economy. Upmarket suppliers of gentlemen’s suits, very posh restaurants, the Porsche Centre in Mayfair and Spearmint Rhino nightclubs are all expecting a downturn in sales. 

High-flying City types are said to be very cross to have been exposed in this way. “We’ve pretended our jobs are immensely complicated for decades, with graphs and charts we know people won’t understand. We don’t understand them, either. We just make them up. Now this joker comes along and says shares go up and down and he tosses a coin and we are made to look like idiots.”

A spokesman for the FCA, Hugh Wanton-Greed, announced that a letter would be sent to Deutsche Bank executives informing them that no further action would be taken against the Bank after a full five course lunch.