Economists are wailing as the Pound continues to plummet against every other currency in the world.
Ian Napton, a currency trader, told us, “I don’t even need my lucky coin toss for this one. I just bet on the Pound going down and collect my winnings at the end of the day.”
The Pound is now officially the worst performing major currency in the world over the past 24 hours, over the past month, over the past three months and over the past year, an achievement Michel Barnier couldn’t have conjured up in his wettest of dreams.
“The Eurozone is hurting with laughter,” Ian told us, “although the downside elsewhere is that Trump is seeing this as further proof he is God as the Dollar pisses over us, too.”
Naturally, the Tories are to blame. As Bojo and Chunt promise ever more damaging versions of Brexit to satisfy the Euro blood-thirsty slither of the population who will be voting for them, the likelihood of No Deal is increasing and, with it, the value of the Pound is sinking.
Jayden Sendemback, a soon-to-be-unemployed car factory worker and keen Brexiteer, said, “It’s worth a little short-term turbulence with the Pound to regain our sovereignty and national pride, although I’m disgusted with the exchange rate I was given when I collected my Euros for my trip to Benidorm yesterday.”
Economists have pointed out that if the Pound continues its spectacular fall, any Euros Jayden brings back from Benidorm may end up being worth enough to pay for the entire cost of his holiday.
Readers wishing to become wealthy overnight are recommended to sell the Pound against any currency they can think of and take their profits before Boris realises that, like his predecessor, he can’t just do as he pleases.