With the arrival of the Illiteratti from Surrey, North London and the Home Counties, Edinburgh City Council have decreed that for the month of August, all chip shops in the city will be vegetarian.

Ian Napton, of Chalfont St Burberry, explained “This is great news. It is vindication of The Guardian’s five year virtue signalling campaign. On a personal note, Gillian and I were a little troubled. You know what it’s like when one’s in a foreign country, one is always worried that Giles and Brabantia won’t be able to eat the food. By making all these places vegetarian we can all enjoy a family supper. The children Googled Mars Bars and it turns out they’re vegetarian too so we are all looking forward to trying local Scottish cuisine.”

Surprisingly, local traders were supportive of the move. One told us “Actually it makes great commercial sense. The cost of our ingredients goes down, turns out soggy veg is very cheap in Scotland. We will call it tempura and sell it for twice the price of a fish supper, we’re going to make a fortune.”

Not everyone is happy. Local residents complained that it’s not enough that crowds flood Edinburgh stopping them getting anywhere, prices go through the roof and we’ve never seen so many people taking their sticks for a walk.