Sat. Nov 28th, 2020

In another attempt to revolutionise the education system, the government has come up with bold new proposals that are set to overhaul the classroom experience for many students.

DfE spokesperson, Lord Dracula of Angmering, had this to say; “Essentially what we’ve noticed is that chair budgets are through the roof at many schools. A lot of schools have chairs you can actually sit on, and seem to be allocating one per child, which is completely unfeasible in the current financial climate.”

We are proposing a new seating allocation system where chairs are allocated on a first-come, first-served basis, with special standing areas being available at the backs of classrooms for poorer students, learners with special education needs and scum. The sort of kids you wouldn’t spit on in the street.”

Asked if these new plans were going to improve the learning environment, the DfE was quick to respond, “It’s about cost-benefit analysis. We spend all these millions of pounds on the education system, but how many students actually end up joining the Conservative party? Not nearly enough. I honestly don’t know why we bother.”

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By Alain Sheerer

Alain Sheerer is our Sports Correspondent. Someone has to do it. Always useful for a betting tip, whatever he advises, do the opposite. His best man was William Hill.

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