It’s not often that a cricketer makes the front page. Once the bad boy of English cricket, Ben Stokes return to the game has been spectacular. Single handedly winning the World Cup by destroying New Zealand and last week saving the Ashes by bashing the arse out of the Aussies, he now has the world at his feet.  

Given his fantastic performances on the field, there has been a concerted campaign to have him knighted. Her Majesty is to grant the request, and to go one step further. So moved was she by Ben’s performances, she has decided to reinstate that ancient right of Droit de Seigneur.

Under this ancient law, any Princeling, Knight or Gallant Hero had the right to tup with any maiden of their choosing. In order to be gender compliant, Sir Ben Stokes (and by god he does), will have the right to tup with any adult British person, be they male, female or of indeterminate gender.

Ordinarily the privilege would be extended to the colonies but as he has already tupped the Antipodes there doesn’t seem to be much point in extending it further.

One Royal Aide explained that the whole thing had created a bit of a constitutional crises. Since that business with Henry VIII royalty have never tupped with a ginger, not until Lady Diana anyway, and Her Majesty is keen to find out what all the fuss is about. She’s claiming first dibs.

So far there have been no objections to the plan. With his Superman status and his liking for a long hard spell at the crease there are no shortage of willing partners.