The country’s mums raise a glass in cheer as the nation’s children return to school.

“Thank Christ for that!” said Gillian Napton, “It’s been torture, 6 weeks of trying to keep the little bastards amused. The only respite was 2 weeks in Torremolinos and that seems ages ago. Every time I thought it couldn’t get any worse, their friends would turn up for a sleep over. Why were my 2 never invited anywhere?”.

Whilst many children wept at the thought of returning to school, parents couldn’t wait to get rid of them. Apparently, Gillian is not alone in feeling relieved. Mum’s Net reported a national happiness upsurge as the big day approached.

Grateful parents have been busy arranging morning coffee clubs, shopping trips and lunch dates. Wine stores have been restocked in preparation for the new term.  

Not everyone is pleased about the children’s return, teachers are distraught at the thought of going back to work.  Many are convinced that the feral monsters have spent all summer working out how to make their lives a living hell. In readiness for the start of the school year they’ve also been stocking up on the alcohol, but for a completely different set of reasons.

Social scientists, from Cretinous College, are interested in studying the relationship between caring for children and the adults need for regular supplies of alcohol. They were quick to point out that correlation doesn’t equal causation but added that “in this case it probably does”.