Having promised to ‘Up Tempo’ negotiations with the EU, many were left wondering who Boris’s staff were talking to. The EU have confirmed that there will be no renegotiation of the withdrawal agreement and as there was nothing to do, they’ve all trotted off to the South of France for a bit of R&R.

One of Boris’s top officials, Sir Ian Napton, let slip that they had in fact been howling into the bottomless void

Obviously, it gets you down, you look over the edge and there is an endless sea of nothing. Anyway, after a while, you realise that you’re having exactly the same feelings you had when you were sent on a punishment posting to the Inland Revenue office in Bradford. Eventually, you get on with it, there isn’t really a choice.”

“Boris has told us to ‘Up Tempo’ so we’ve been singing ‘No Backstop’ endlessly into the dark emptiness. Turns out John has a lovely Baritone, Ruth is a bit of a Mezzo-Soprano and I can belt out a lovely Calypso. There might be room for us on Britain’s Got Talent.”

Sir Ian went on to explain, Boris knew the abyss was empty when he sent his negotiating team over to Brussels. The last thing Boris wanted was any form of agreement. The fact that there was nobody to talk to meant he could say ‘Hoc est non meus mendum*’.

Meanwhile Brexit continues.

*It was not my fault

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