Veganists, those mastered in the art of general misery, have again been outraged this week.  This time their ire is centred against the Dalhousie University in Canada, who produced a report claiming that eating red and processed meat turns out not be as bad for you as was widely reported.  One Vegetablist moaned “It’s an utter disgrace, irresponsible and quite frankly shit!’ He drivelled.

Harping on “This report has only given the pointy-toothed carnivorous elite an excuse to manufacture more cows and red meaty animals to kill to death and make juicy tasty…I mean nasty burgers with.  That means more cows farting in the fields, heating up the earth and destroying the world with their succulent steaks!” At this point he stopped as he was salivating profusely onto his bamboo t-shirt.

Mopping up his wet chin he wailed “I gave up meat last year, after 25 years of ruining the planet with minces and potatoes, roast beef, gravy and Yorkshire pudding, steak pie and chips” (more drool) “Only to discover that these buggers are trying to say that I didn’t need to.  I’ve lived on lentils and Quorn for as long as I can bloody remember and well look at me.   Pasty as a lump of wet putty, and as miserable as Theresa May at a Brussels get together. Now it seems a Cornish pasty won’t do me in after all and probably won’t turn Britain into a Caribbean style hotspot either!”

At this point, he stuck his fingers up mumbled something about wondering what was the f’n point and headed into a nearby Greggs where he later emerged with tomato sauce on his chin.