Monkey Business

TSB to improve customer service by closing their branches

In a radical shift of strategy, the TSB is to improve its customer service by closing their branches.

Recently the troubled bank has beaten off some stiff competition from their rivals in order to produce the worst customer service in banking. Which? commented, “That takes some doing”.

The Bank came in for particular criticism after their EtchASketch Payment and Account Management (ESPAM) failed to reset correctly. Unfortunately the problem wasn’t fixed by picking it up and vigorously shaking it.  

Board Chairman, Ian Napton explained “Recent customer satisfaction surveys show that our customers are profoundly unsatisfied. We needed a radical programme to avoid them telling us that, so we decided that the best way was to void seeing them. Now they can’t be unsatisfied and our bonus won’t be cut because of poor customer satisfaction scores.”

As a result of the radical initiative, the Board rewarded themselves with a massive bonus for their original thinking.

When asked how closing branches was going to help those in remote areas, the elderly or those who can’t use IT? Mr Napton said, “Who?”

It’s ironic that a bank that underwent such a public IT humiliation should resort to driving what is left of its customer base on to IT.  “That’s the Board’s job, to make difficult decisions in the best interests of the Bank.” said one Fat Cat.

Meanwhile, when asked about the changes a spokesman for the Financial Conduct Authority, the people charged with protecting the public from the Financial Services Industry, said, “Eh? What? Why is that a problem? Is it in The Mail on Sunday?”