“Signore e signori, my little boy Pinocchio has gone missing and we’re very worried. Every time he goes out on his own he gets into trouble.”

Geppetto originally carved Pinocchio from a block of wood and the puppet was brought to life by The Blue Fairy who told him that he could be a real Tory Boy, if he was good, honest and true. Unfortunately this didn’t appeal to Pinocchio, who said “Fuck that, have you seen what I can do with my nose, the birds are going to love this and I don’t even need to breathe through my ears.”

Since discovering his special ability he has been practising his lying, he is now so advanced that the nose starts growing before he’s opened his mouth. In fact telling the truth has become impossible.

Unsurprisingly, Geppetto is distraught, Pinocchio was always his favourite. “I’ve always known he was special and destined for great things. The real problem, apart from keeping away from naked flames, is that being wooden makes his head incredibly dense. Once full of lies, an overactive libido and Latin, there isn’t a lot left for anything else. He doesn’t think like a normal boy. He tells you what you want to hear, simply so he can bend you over the arm of the sofa whilst he recites the Tory Party Manifesto.”

If you’ve seen the wooden-top, please make sure you alert his friends in the media, so they can come and look after him.

Meanwhile, the search continues.