“And on this week’s Celebrity Countdown, we have Jeremy from North London. Playing him is Boris from Somerset. Welcome gents, and Boris, get us underway with your choice of letters, please.”

“May I have three vowels and six consonants, please, Rachel?”

Rachel selects letter tiles as requested and displays the results on the board.

“Oh dear. You’ve picked A three times. But you also have L, N, C, T, R and H.”

“Start the clock.”

Thirty seconds later….

“What have you got, Boris?”

“I’ve got a nine.” Polite applause follows from the studio audience, and the nice girl in Dictionary Corner, whose name we never seem to know, smiles.

“How about you, Jeremy. What do you have?”

“Hmm. I’ve got a risky four.” Groans all round.

“What’s your nine, Boris?”

“Charlatan.” 

Much applause rings out loud as Rachel displays the word on the board.

Maximum points, Boris. A great start. What was your risky four, Jeremy?”

“Hart.”

“Oh dear, there’s an E in heart. Never mind. It’s your turn to choose the letters.”

“I’d like four vowels and five consonants.”

Once again, Rachel selects the tiles and places them on the board. “Oh dear. You have three Ms. How unlucky. But you also have a C, an I, an N, an O, a U and an S.”

“Start the clock.”

Thirty seconds later….

“How did you do, Jeremy?”

“Nine.”

“Fantastic! And you, Boris?”

“I struggled. I wanted another N and one of those As from just now, then I would have had conman for a six.”

“Ok. What’s your nine, Jeremy?”

“Communism.”

“Great, and on to the numbers round. Let’s see if either of you can make your numbers add up.”

Three hours and many arguments later, Jeremy insisted that 25, 7, 1, 5, 2 and 9 could be multiplied to make £80 billion. Boris couldn’t offer an answer, except to insist that Jeremy’s sums were wrong.

“It’s all down to a conundrum….”

Never a truer word….

Meanwhile, the General Election continues.