Everton FC, after days of speculation, finally dumped Marco Silva this week following a humbling 5-2 loss in the Merseyside Derby.

Just forty-eight hours later, the club has announced his replacement, the result of an ‘exhaustive’ search (aka, ringing up Rafa Benitez and being told to piss off).

Majority steak-holder and possessor of other meats, Martin Bullfinch, made the announcement, “It’s obvious what’s gone wrong with every managerial appointment we’ve made. Silva, Koeman, that other guy. No back-bone. The fans have been demanding spirit and fight. Determination, grit and heart. We knew just the man for it. That’s why we’re delighted to welcome our new manager, Stone Cold Steve Austin.”

Bullfinch went on to outline Austin’s vision for the club, “He’s promised to get us fighting again, we’re already building a wrestling ring at the training ground, and we’re in the process of donating all the footballs we own to a charity garden sale to raise money for donkeys with enlarged testicles.”

Asked about Austin’s preferred playing style, Bullfinch was coy, “What I can say is, we’ve bought him a copy of Inverting the Pyramid and he has promised that he will sit down earnestly and learn to read it. We’re also surrounding him with top football minds. Robbie Savage, Mark Pougatch, that guy off BT who does the Goals Show. These are just some of the names who’ve turned us down. Luckily Pardew isn’t busy, so he’s the new Director of Football. Pards has already appointed Yohan Cabaye to work alongside Stone Cold, in addition he’s already started a new programme of community outreach, which is why we’re delighted to announce an innovative new partnership with the Russian mafia.”

Asked to justify the decision, Bullfinch finished with this, “Look, at least it’s not fucking Allardyce.”