Britain’s pension timebomb is in the news again. With the nation largely underprovided for in terms of retirement provision, and with an increasing older population, the government has decided to take advantage of the unplanned Coronavirus to kill the elderly off.

A spokesman for Number 10, Ian Napton, told us, “Boris has had all the same scientific advice that all the other prime ministers and presidents have had. He saw this as an ideal opportunity to address the pensions crisis by exposing the elderly to the virus and allowing nature to take its course. He feels bad, but it’s just too good a chance to pass up.”

Other countries have taken steps to reduce travel and to quarantine large swathes of their population, whilst Britain has been more focused on bulk-buying toilet rolls. 

Napton continued, “The new Chancellor didn’t waste the opportunity to sound as if he cared whilst delivering his Budget, but no actual money will be spent. Boris is keen to save money, so letting the elderly go is the obvious thing to do.”

Anti-Brexit campaigners have also pointed out that letting those who still remember the war go could be a good thing.

Meanwhile, the government continues.