Monkey Life

In the face of a national crisis, Boris rekindles the Blitz Spirit

“Believe in Britain, and stop all this doom-mongering,” says Boris. Adding, “If a few old people have to die in the national interest, then, keep a stiff upper lip, carry on and don’t let Johnnie Foreigner see you blub.

One paper has issued a helpful guide, designed to rekindle memories of life in the 1940s.

They are asking readers to congregate in tube stations, where they can sing rousing choruses of ‘My Old Man’s a Dustman’, ‘Bluebirds’ and ‘The Okey Cokey’. Every reader will get a complimentary tin of Spam. Cheeky chappies with a twinkle in their eye are asked to start the black market dealing of essential supplies such as toilet rolls, hand-sanitiser and Lemsip. Women should have indiscreet romantic liaisons with any American Service Personnel they can find.

Aunty Jane said “This will be great fun, just like the old days. You know, for five years I never bought a pair of stockings. How I loved the 5th Airborne Division! are they here?”

I say, I can see why they call you Rod!

Meanwhile, government sources are asking people to ignore the newspaper’s advice. One ‘expert’ said, “Gathering together in tube stations is a very bad idea and as for singing Cockney songs, please, for the love of God, No!”

One disgruntled Londoner, Ian Napton, commented, “If I hear another reference to the ‘kin blitz I’m going to fukin have the c*&£. Jesus, read some fuckin history! And this is a virus, not a kin German Panzer Battalion. If you feel unwell stay inside, wash your fukin hands and stop buying all the bloody toilet paper. All I’ve got left to wipe my arse on is Piers Morgan’s Biography, once that’s gone I will have to start on the Clarkson.”

Now wash your hands!

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