Education Secretary and human by pure technicality, Gavin Williamson, has today announced that his latest side project, attempting to organise a piss-up in a brewery, has been shelved indefinitely after a series of high-profile clangers resulted in multiple deaths.
Williamson, attempting to raise morale amongst no-one in particular, had organised the event entirely on his own back without telling anyone.
Having procured the agreement of the brewery owners, Williamson then attempted to ‘pour himself a pint’ from the brewery’s reserves of 8,000 barrels of beer, however having failed on his first attempt to use a glass, he then proceeded to piss himself, cause a small fire and drown several members of staff in a vat.
Williamson has apologised to families of those who have suffered bereavement and, along with blonde potato Boris Johnson, has set up a fund for those affected by the catastrophe, which is set to offer those families remuneration in the form of cars they already own and income that is already legally theirs. A spokesperson for one of these families responded by saying, “But we already had that money, it’s ours” to which Boris Johnson merely cackled oafishly and stuck an original King James Bible up his arse.
Williamson could not be reached for comment, though a member of his support staff did promise that they were planning on teaching him how to turn his iPad on, just as soon as they’d dealt with the thorny topic of which is arse and which is elbow.