Kick About United’s star striker, Pat Mistit admits that he tries really hard. “My mum always told me that God loves a trier, and I try to follow that advice by giving 110%. I work hard for the team, I run further than anyone! I run up, down, sideways and backwards, I’m very good at running.”

His manager, Mr B said, “I always ask my players to give 110%. You ask them after the game, they will tell you that they gave 110%. Any player giving less than 110% can go and play for Derby.”

“Pat, he always gives it everything, and a bit more. He’s lovely, just like a puppy dog. You take him out to play and he runs and runs, then he’s back to give your face a big lick. He just wants to play with the other boys. I’d tell him to run left and he’s off like a rocket. Say run right, and before you know it he’s clattering into the pitchside hoarding. The trouble is that every time he gets anywhere near the ball, he falls over his own feet.”

The Boss

Asked why he carries on playing football, Patrick said, “Simple really, it’s for the money and the sex. Even being this shite, I’ll never have to work another day in my life, and I’ll never sleep alone. It’s worth putting up with the panic attacks, the name-calling and universal mockery just for the money and the sex, it’s brilliant.”

Any resemblance to Leeds United, Patrick Bamford (145 attempts/16 goals) and Marcelo Bielsa is entirely intentional