Inspired by the Great Fire of London, the newly formed 1666 think-tank has proposed a novel COVID control measure. The “Farriner” solution will involve dividing cities into distinct blocks separated by wide fire breaks.

If there is a significant COVID outbreak in a block, we will just torch it and incinerate the contents stopping the virus spreading

Sparky Flint, Twisted Firestarter

The strategy involves knocking down swathes of buildings to create the corridors, but the government has said that it will initially target derelict development sites, any road with the word “pudding” in its name and communities that didn’t vote Conservative.

We understand that people will be reluctant to become homeless; but when you take into account the potential for rebuilding, everybody will profit eventually if they have acquired a portfolio of shares in the construction sector.

Sir Richard Head, Ethics Committee Chair

Critics of the scheme dispute the claim that the Great Fire ended the Bubonic Plague in London and that the disease was already in decline. But the Government is undeterred.

Everybody likes a good bonfire, they can toast marshmallows, cook baked potatoes, roast a pheasant and have a good old sing-song. Provided that they don’t congregate in groups of greater than six of course.

Nero