Space scientists at NASA confirmed that a large lump of rock, technically known as an ‘Asteroid’ missed the earth by a million miles. “It came nowhere near us”, said one ‘expert’.

This sort of thing happens all the time. Every day millions of tons of space rock, debris and old Tesla’s fly harmlessly past the earth.

Billy-Bob Napton, NASA Boffin

The news media reported the ‘near miss’, as a potentially life-extinction event. Two weeks of doom-laden headlines, news stories and quotes from Facebook experts fuelled the panic. Predictions that humanity would go the way of the dinosaurs turned out to be wrong.

As the ‘big lump’ swept harmlessly by, a sigh of relief swept across the planet as sources confirmed that there was no need for Matt Damon to be blast into space on an Earth-saving mission. Although cocktail waitresses were disappointed that they wouldn’t get to feature in the romantic sub-plot.   

Religious cults were quick to get in on the act, claiming this was a warning from God for humanity to mend its ways. Consequently, churches reported a 10 fold increase in attendance, and more importantly a 300% increase in donations.

It’s been great for business.

The Archbishop

Professor Brian Cocks was keen to point out that this is not a news story but an everyday occurrence. “Look, there is no news here. For this asteroid to have hit the earth, the laws of physics would require re-writing. The only reason the papers printed it was because Boris has done a Hancock!”