Monkey Life

Testing fiasco as Matt and Dido run out of fingers and toes to count on

Test and trace is ‘unfit for purpose’, claims everyone. Far from world-beating, T&T has made another significant counting error. The latest cock-up shows that tens of thousands of test results are missing from the daily reporting. It seems the problem arose when Matt Hancock and Dido Harding ran out of fingers and toes to count on.

A spokesperson said

During the summer months, when case numbers were low, Matt and Dido were able to track numbers. Problems began when Boris ordered everyone back to ‘life as normal’. The number of infections began increasing rapidly. Even though Matt took off his shoes, they couldn’t keep up with the data. The system couldn’t cope.

Ian Napton, fed up, pissed off and depressed civil servant

It appears that Matt and Dido’s 40 digits provide too small a data set to accurately record the number of new cases. Officials claim they couldn’t have foreseen that the system would run out of capacity, and Matt should get his Athlete’s Foot looked at.

The data has been corrected, after Michael Gove and Dominic Raab offered the Health Department use of their fingers and toes.

Digitally, we are at optimum capacity.

Boris Johnson, Dominic Cummings Spokesman

Departmental chiefs are upgrading the system, with Boots delivering additional foot spas on Monday.

Matt Hancock has confirmed that it was not his fault and that Dido would receive another substantial pay off to say she did it.

Meanwhile, the government continues…

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