A schism is raging among the Church of Rome Cardinals, some of whom want pineapple as a pizza topping declared ‘sinful’.

The anti-pizza faction, or antipi as some call them, are calling for all pineapple toppings to be forbidden on pain of excommunication from the church. The principle objection appears to be that pineapple is an aphrodisiac and encourages immoral behaviour among the masses.

The pineapple, it has no place on the pizza. Like the Sinatra song says: “If the pineapple lies on the big pizza pie; that’s amoral”. The Chairman of the Board; he knows a thing or two. Sì? –

Cardinal Mott Zarella,

The entire College of Cardinals has been gathered together in Conclave to try and resolve the schism. They have been locked in the Vatican cafeteria for three days trying to reach an agreement.

We are waiting for the puff of white smoke to be blown out of the kitchen extractor fan, Up to now, all we have seen is a thick black acrid plume smelling of burnt pizza, We aren’t sure if this means that they can’t agree or that the chef is incompetent.

Father Basil