Sat. May 21st, 2022
Fat Santa is out of order

In preparation for Christmas, a Fat Santa Claus has been told to give up Mince Pies and Sherry to lose weight. Being 1749 years and clinically obese puts him firmly in the “Highly Vulnerable” category should he contract COVID. The Elf and Safety rep for Santa’s grotto advised him to lose a few stones:

The old fella is getting a bit portly. He needs to slim down and put less strain on his body. Also, cutting down on the rich diet will do us all a favour in the grotto: We aren’t wearing these masks just to be COVID secure, if you get my drift.

Bernard, Elf and Safety Officer

Sceptics claim that the whole weight loss thing is just a front to cut costs and be more competitive over the Christmas period. With online sellers getting a stranglehold on the retail business, Fat Santa’s operation is feeling the pinch.

If Fat Santa loses a few stones, he will be able to cut down on the reindeer needed to pull the sleigh and that means less animal feed. Less time spent scoffing pies and quaffing sherry will also mean that the delivery run is more cost-efficient. In addition, the development of delivery drones means Santa’s reindeer face a bleak mid-winter. Put bluntly, drone running costs are a fraction of the reindeer’s and they don’t shit on your roof tiles.

Ernst Young, Dolittle Consultant


By Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!