Looking to blame his latest failure on someone, Donald Trump is suing Satan.

The various legal actions, alleging election shenanigans, will now stop.

This change in strategy was forced upon the Trumpster after he was laughed out of a Pennsylvania courtroom. It is now clear that, no matter how many times they count the votes, he can’t win. So, in a last desperate act, the Orange Balloon is going after the infernal creature he holds responsible for his defeat.

The soon to be Ex-President alleges Satan broke the terms of their ‘Crossroads’ deal by not arranging a second term in the White House.

It’s not fair, I kept my side of the deal. I delivered bigly, I delivered so bigly, nobody who sold their soul to The Devil, delivered biglyier! During my reign, I stirred up racial hatred, caused the deaths of thousands, and separated friends and families. No other President has caused so much misery, deprivation, and inequality. What more does he want?

Donald Trump, whining baby

Satan’s lawyers don’t dispute that Trump is good for business; the delivery of souls into hell is up 50% over expected numbers for the last four years. However, under the terms of the ‘Crossroads’ contract, the parties didn’t agree a time limit for the Presidency.

We will fight this case because we are in the right, which is an unusual position for us. Satan doesn’t dispute that Trump hasn’t performed but his time is up. Unless he can come up with a better offer, the builders will be preparing accommodation for his arrival.

Billy-Bob Napton, damned lawyer

Independent observers are surprised by the action. They point out that when it comes to having lawyers on your side, no one has more than Satan. Hell is full of them. Given that the President’s lawyers will end up in the bowels of hell; defending Trump seems an unusual career choice.

As the Lord of Darkness, Punisher of Souls, I can draw on a pool of cheap labour to run my operation. Given Trump’s success as President I want him to run the Pit of Despair, he has a natural talent for creating misery. I just hope he appreciates the irony of the exploitation!

Satan, Cleaver of Souls and noted wit

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him

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