Track and Trace to be boosted using Geocachers to find the missing contacts of COVID+ patents.

“We just can’t find the slippery buggers using conventional contact tracing techniques of ringing them up and leaving a message when they don’t recognise the number and “red button” us. Geocachers are the answer: We just post their personal details and whatever clues we have on a very secure Facebook group. Then we just sit back and enjoy the hourly pay rates whilst the Geocachers compete to hunt them down. The incentive is a points-based league table with a monthly prize of a weekend break for two in the isolation centre of their choice.”

Dildo Hardon, £8,000/day Track and Trace Consultant

When I asked if the Geocachers will be given special powers and key worker status to undertake the task, Dildo replied:

“Oh no, not at all. They must provide their own equipment and respect all social distancing and lockdown rules. Including travel restrictions. We don’t want another Barnard Castle fiasco.”

Dildo Hardon, worth £8k a day of anyone’s money.

I pointed out that this means they wouldn’t actually be able to legally leave their homes and go Geocaching, Dildo responded:

“You media types are so bloody negative. Why can’t you get behind the Government and pull together for the sake of the country.”

Dildo Harding, married to the Governments Anti-Corruption Tsar

So I did what any journalist should do in such circumstances. I threw down my notebook, stormed out and immediately resigned. You can’t argue against a right Dildo.