Wed. Apr 21st, 2021
Test and Trace in action

Track and Trace to be boosted using Geocachers to find the missing contacts of COVID+ patents.

“We just can’t find the slippery buggers using conventional contact tracing techniques of ringing them up and leaving a message when they don’t recognise the number and “red button” us. Geocachers are the answer: We just post their personal details and whatever clues we have on a very secure Facebook group. Then we just sit back and enjoy the hourly pay rates whilst the Geocachers compete to hunt them down. The incentive is a points-based league table with a monthly prize of a weekend break for two in the isolation centre of their choice.”

Dildo Hardon, £8,000/day Track and Trace Consultant

When I asked if the Geocachers will be given special powers and key worker status to undertake the task, Dildo replied:

“Oh no, not at all. They must provide their own equipment and respect all social distancing and lockdown rules. Including travel restrictions. We don’t want another Barnard Castle fiasco.”

Dildo Hardon, worth £8k a day of anyone’s money.

I pointed out that this means they wouldn’t actually be able to legally leave their homes and go Geocaching, Dildo responded:

“You media types are so bloody negative. Why can’t you get behind the Government and pull together for the sake of the country.”

Dildo Harding, married to the Governments Anti-Corruption Tsar

So I did what any journalist should do in such circumstances. I threw down my notebook, stormed out and immediately resigned. You can’t argue against a right Dildo.

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By Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!