Mon. May 10th, 2021

According to the Express newspaper in London, a huge Angry Front nicknamed ‘Bullshit’ will make its way across the country from the southwest.

The potential for large-scale destruction is pretty high. I would advise anyone living near the south of England, upwards and as far as the Midlands to hunker down and keep a ready collection of food, water and back copies of the Express close at hand.

Sir Exaggerated Claims Arse-Cheeks, Top Meteorologist

Weather analysis suggests Bullshit will make landfall in the early hours of Tuesday morning and may last until Friday causing problems with the daily commute to and from work for millions.

However, some experts have doubted the full impact of Bullshit, citing the fact that in the past only journalists working for the Express newspaper group, particularly those in and around Lower Thames Street, have been affected.

In all probability Bullshit will likely only hit the London offices of the Express newspaper group and mercifully pass the rest of us over. All eyes are on Bullshit as it makes landfall and as always updates are available on the BBC website, so please do stay aware and keep safe.

Lady Michelle Kettley-Fish, BBC Weather Reporter

We all saw the destruction the ‘Violent wall of Death Snow’ brought to the country last winter when 2.76 centimetres of the white stuff fell in eight hours over most of the Home Counties. We remember the misery that caused to hundreds of thousands of people as they tried their best to feed the birds or throw out their rubbish. This time we are ready and will be prepared for anything Bullshit throws at us.”

Sir Claims Arse-Cheeks

Express newspaper group declined to comment when asked what precautions it was taking in preparation for Bullshit hitting as expected on Tuesday.

Arse-Cheeks is right. This is a scary scenario. Bullshit has the potential to wreak havoc across large swathes of the UK. We are not taking any chances.”

Anonymous Reporter, and Secret Guardian Reader

Bullshit is predicted to hit the extreme south-west of England around dawn on Tuesday before slowly tracking north-east over the course of the morning and into Wednesday and Thursday, before blowing itself out near Scarborough.

Express newspapers will be on the ground to give first-hand reports as Bullshit spreads across the country.

IF YOU HAVE A STORY ABOUT BULLSHIT OR ANY OTHER TALE (PROVIDING ITS WEATHER-RELATED) CONTACT OUR OFFICES. WE DO NOT PAY FOR ANY STORIES WE PRINT.

arsecheeks@expressgroup.co.uk

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