ST THOMAS’S HOSPITAL, WESTMINSTER – Wheezing horribly in between words, a bloated and puffy Boris Johnson declared that he had ‘personal greed’ and ‘unfettered capitalism’ to thank for his position in intensive care.

Having contracted the coronavirus after his government policy of mandatory hand-shaking with the contagious took an unexpected wrong turn, the Prime Minister praised the economic system of capitalism for all its hard work in nearly killing him.

“Cripes, old chaps! Good old capitalistic consumerism, eh? If it hadn’t been for the free market, I would never have been able to gorge myself on so many splendiferous, calorific takeaway meals from Mr McDonald and that topping Colonel Sanders – thereby condemning myself to a lifetime of obesity-related health problems and probable early death,” spluttered the PM, his words obscured by the breathing tube in his lungs. 

“My gluttony and irrepressible hunger are there for all to see. That’s right, boys and girls: great personal success and a pulmonary embolism await when you give in to greed! Guffaw!”

Billy Bunter, Prime Minister

Mr Johnson spoke out as the UK’s vaccination programme continued to go from strength to strength. One vaccine dispensing nurse remarked, “Two doses of Pfizer, coming right up. Do you want fries with that?” 

Figures from the markets agreed with Mr Johnson. “If we can find some way to monetise this virus, we will,” said a fat cat, chowing down on the Prime Minister’s recently vacated trough. “Surely there must be something in all these new variants – higher prices for new South African flavours? Free salsa with every Brazilian strain? It almost works…”

Greed is good, especially with ketchup.

Sweaty Johnson, Free Lunch Afficianado

By Our Health Staff, Gordon Geckovid