HOUSE OF COMMONS, LONDON – Scores of onlookers in Westminster and beyond rubbed their eyes in disbelief this afternoon as a member of Boris Johnson’s cabinet did not behave in a corrupt manner.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said a gobsmacked observer, his jaw agape.

“There he was, clear as day – a Conservative MP if ever I saw one (he had the sneer and everything). And in the entire ten minutes, I was watching him, he didn’t accept a single brown envelope from a man wearing a trench coat. Incredible!”

Senior figures from within the Conservative Party attempted to play down the accusations, pointing out that the MP was an inexperienced junior minister.

“He’s not served for very long and doesn’t yet understand his duty as a servant of Her Majesty’s government,” drawled Jacob Flees-Muggs. “Namely, to rinse the exchequer of every penny one can squeeze.”

The politician’s behaviour broke several records, including for longest time in office before implication in a scandal, and fewest friends on the public payroll. It hearkened back to a bygone age when our representatives conducted themselves with honour and probity, which according to historians was contained entirely within a half an hour stretch sometime in the 1940s. 

According to unconfirmed reports, the minister didn’t hand out contracts for PPE to his neighbour, nor government grants to his mistress. He failed to entrust his wife with a multi-billion pound IT system which she was desperately unqualified to run; neither did he spend thousands in public funds on a shopping spree at Primark, followed by makeovers for his whole team at the local salon. Eyewitnesses say they saw no evidence of his accepting a twenty grand bribe to rig a planning application, and as for redesigning his front room with kickbacks disguised as official business expenses…if he did it, he hid it better than they normally do.

Asked everyone, “Are we sure he’s a Tory?”

By Our Corruption Colleague, Bungle the Bear from Rainbow