The British people are systematically persecuting the Tories.

The political right in Britain is under attack from the Tofu-eating Wokeratti, lefties and people who have read books. Despite being in Government for 13 years, controlling the mainstream media and having a whacking great majority, they have never been so oppressed.

Faced with electoral oblivion after 13 years of building their version of a Tory Britain, the country has had enough of being taken for mugs and is fighting back. It seems people don’t like becoming poorer while the rich get richer and don’t want crumbling public services, corrupt politicians, shitty rivers and sewage-filled seas. They are unhappy about tomato shortages, astronomical food prices, and not being able to turn the heating on. The icing on the cake was the Government’s economic plan to get young mothers, the over-fifties and the sick and disabled back into the workhouse.

Meanwhile, right-whingers moan about a tweet by a footballer, Gary Lineker. They are upset because he was a factually accurate, uppity footballer. A rugger man would never say anything so crass. This social media spat was a timely distraction from the state of the nation. However, it leaves the right-whingers and woke flakes with nowhere to go.

The red trousered Giles Giles-Napton lept into action. He contacted the Guilford Branch of Waitrose and asked for their help. They agreed to set up a refugee centre for the right-whingers and to provide succour by offering free coffee, copies of the Daily Mail and a plate of biscotti.

Mr Giles Giles-Napton said, “It’s so unfair. When people post clips of what we say it makes us look stupid. Why do we keep calling the James O’Brien show? And why do our leaders go on breakfast television? I want to provide a safe space where the right sort of people can get together safely and moan about foreigners.”

If you want to help, please send donations of Lapsang Souchon, Roast Swan and a few bottles of Classique Chablis 2020, to Waitrose, Guilford.