Priti Patel’s scheme has provoked outrage from human rights groups across the World, many of whom are appalled at the disgraceful treatment of fellow human beings.

We find this plan to be inhumane. Those cold, heartless bitches won’t let anyone through, and you can’t even get a telephone call past them. Not even the Americans would use Doctor’s receptionists to stop people from arriving in the United States.

Jocasta Napton, Amnesty International, (Islington Branch)

Criticism from the UN centres on the psychological effects of coming face to face with a Doctor’s Receptionist. They claim that the level of harm suffered is so severe that being bombed out of your house, seeing your family shot, fleeing for your life, and losing everything you own is a better option.

“That’s the whole point! See, this ape gets it!”

Priti Patel, Dementor

Meanwhile, the Receptionists are pleased with the extra responsibility and the overtime.

“Finally, somebody understands us and respects our skills. I always knew there was a reason I liked her. We are very highly-trained in not letting people through, so this will be a doddle.”

“Not only that, it will be nice to spend the day at the seaside; the fresh air will do me good.”

Daphne Thatcher, Doctor’s Receptionist

There is some evidence that the plan is already working. One migrant has already called off his planned trip to England. Muhammed explained that the last time he visited family in Eastbourne, he tried to get an emergency appointment with a British Doctor. Eventually, near to death, he gave up and returned to Syria.

The Chatty Chimp asked Keir Starmer’s office for a quote, but once again, his aide said he did not know where he was, what he was doing, and what his position was on the matter.

In Brexit-related news, it seems that Doctor’s Receptionists may become an exportable commodity. China, Saudi Arabia, and Russia have expressed interest in using them to bolster their ‘national security.’  So, finally, there is some good Brexit news for Boris!