Monkey News

Unlike Gavin, can you tell if this man plays rugby or football?

Tory hounds bay for Gavin Williamson’s blood as he fails to distinguish rugby from football

Today the Tories came out in force to call for the sacking of the Education Secretary, Gavin Williamson.

The issue arose after Mr Williamson failed to distinguish between a rugby player and a base footballer. One Tory Grandee was so incensed that he took to Gammon News to vent his spleen.

It’s simply not good enough. Every year we are given thousands of pounds worth of corporate hospitality, and the least we can do is tell the difference between a round ball and an egg-shaped ball! It’s just not cricket!

Sir Dingley Pink-Trouser, Trough Guzzler.

The media were quick to jump on the faux-pas, claiming that this was discrimination.

What’s the point of having a class divide if Private Pike doesn’t know where the bloody border is?  How can we trust him to look after the interests of the old school? It’s the thin end of the wedge. Honestly, he should be able to tell whether a player is privately educated by his accent, fancy mistaking him for a base footballer! The man’s an absolute shower.

Michael Gove, Professional Back-stabber

Gavin’s mum tried to defend the under fire minister by claiming that this shows he doesn’t discriminate, and that her son thinks footballers are almost as good as Rugby players. No one believes her.

The anti-Gavin Williamson majority within the Tory Party claim that this is utter garbage, and that the whole point of being a Tory is to discriminate, otherwise why bother?

The Chatty Chimp asked Sir Kier Starmer’s office for a comment from the Labour leader.

You’ve got to be kidding, I’m not touching this issue with a barge-pole. Have you seen my title? I’m out of here.

Sir Keef Smarmer, Missing in Action

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson is wondering if packing Private Pike off to a re-education camp would distract public attention from the state of the nation or whether he needs to send out one of the other village idiots to do something stupid.  

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