Sun. May 22nd, 2022

An investigation is underway into an incident in which a cat burglar sustained serious injuries.

The incident happened when burglar “Felix Jellicle” broke into a cattery with the intention of stealing several valuable animals that he intended to sell on the underground market. The police were alerted by a silent alarm triggered by Jellicle when he broke in.

“We arrived at the premises and discovered Jellicle in the cattery. He had made the mistake of activating the emergency release that simultaneously opened all the cat pens. The place was full of moggys looking for breakfast.

We called on Jellicle to stand still, but he grabbed a tin of cat food and threw it at an officer. A second officer drew his taser and put a “red dot” on Jellicle; then, all hell broke loose. Every moggy in the place leapt at Jellicle playing “chase the dot”. The poor bugger screamed in pain and, thinking we were under attack, the police handler let his dog go. It was carnage: Jellicle looks like he been dragged through a hawthorn hedge.”

PC Dickie Dixon

The cattery owner said that none of the cats were harmed in the incident.

“I think some of the furry little psychopaths quite enjoyed themselves”

Thomas O’Malley, Cattery Owner

Jellicle is said to be recovering from his wounds but will require PTSD counselling for some time.


By Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

The Chatty Chimp, where we don't do fake news, all our stories are 100% made up!