WOKING, SURREY – Queen Elizabeth II last night stepped forward as a shock witness in the former Duke of York’s ongoing legal battles with Virginia Giuffre, confirming that she would be willing to swear in court that she Andrew in Woking Pizza Express at the time of the alleged assault.

Unveiling his mother as a counter to Ms Giuffre’s new witness to her partying with Andrew, the Prince suggested the elderly monarch would provide a “star turn” in a New York city courtroom later this year. The Queen has been itching for the chance to take the stand and tell her side of the story, according to the ninth in line to the throne.

One also happened to be dining in that establishment on the evening in question. One often spends an evening sampling the fare at Woking’s finest purveyor of Italian cuisine, and was attending in a private capacity when who should walk in but my second and favourite son, Prince Andrew?

Her Majesty was speaking to a crowd of hastily convened reporters outside Buckingham Palace, in a stunningly unprecedented intervention into a legal case.

One has never forgotten the occasion, since it is so unusual to see a member of the Royal Family in a fast food restaurant

continued Her Royal Highness, tucking into a stuffed crust meat feast with barbecue base and a side of curly cheese fries.

Except for me, of course. One is never out of there; that’s how I saw Andy returning from his straightforward shooting weekend or whatever he says it was.

The Queen told journalists that she would often pop into the pizza joint after a day out with the hounds and hunt, and that Tatler had recommended the eaterie in its ‘Posh Pizzerias’ feature some years ago. 

Staff at the Surrey branch of the franchise were unsurprised by the news, with one waiter remarking,

We get all sorts in here. I swear down I saw Elvis at the counter last week, and the other year – Tupac chowing on a plate of onion rings.

“I rest my case” said a heavily sweating Prince Andrew

As we went to press, Prince Andrew had signed a huge settlement agreement with Ms Giuffre.

By our Royal Correspondent, Jay L. Thyme