Matt HancockMonkey News

I’m a Tory Get Me Out of Here!

As the Government runs from disaster to chaos and confusion, Tory MPs are desperate to get out of the House.

Not content to wait for the public vote, they are engaged in various tactics to trouser as much cash as possible.

One popular strategy is to become a Government Minister for two weeks. This tactic ensures a significant bump in pension entitlement and a nice lump sum leaving present before being elevated to the House of Lords. Sir Gavin Williamson is a man who was sacked or resigned three times, but he is still a Sir; go figure.

The House of Lords is a lucrative cash cow, with honours sold to the highest bidder or for future favours. For example, Liz Truss is keen to reward those who put in a solid 44 days of work within her Government. 

Another interesting strategy is to secure valuable media work. Matt Hancock is following in the footsteps of the noted rimmer and teabagger Nadine Dorries by joining I’m a Nonentity. His fee for the two weeks’ work is £400,000. Obviously, it is not as much as he made as a minister, but it will come in handy in his upcoming divorce settlement.

Those without the power of patronage require other strategies. Many of them are making ever more outrageous media statements about foreigners, benefit scroungers and protestors in the hope of getting a gig on GB News, Talk Radio or a large wad of cash for a Daily Mail column. The public doesn’t get to vote contestants from the show for another two years.

During that time, our TVs will show us these rats, cockroaches, and parasitic worms as they hawk their tawdry souls through an unending river of shit. But honestly, I think people have given up caring.

Meanwhile, a government continues.