Monkey Business

Amazillionaire’s Black Friday sale, get 50% off politicians, government officials and minor Royalty

This week Amazillionaire’s Black Friday sale is bigger and better than ever, get up to 50% off politicians, government officials and minor Royalty.

Here at Amazillionaire, we’re offering our once-a-year, super-discount on the cost of bribery and corruption. If you want to make outrageous sums of money at the expense of the rest of humanity, for a really low price, there’s no better time to buy.

We have a variety of offers to suit every dodgy businessman, corrupt dealmaker and legally embarrassed sexual predator. For example, our BOGOFF deal means when you buy a politician, we will throw in the relevant government official for free! So, if you need to sell arms to a banned state, our Foreign Minister will channel it through MI6 at no extra cost.

What’s more, all buyers will be invited to one of Prince Andrews’s special parties. Mix with the people who really matter, in a secluded environment, where your every whim is catered for. As one of the over-entitled, what more could you want?

Here’s what some of Amazillionaire’s satisfied customers said:

When Alina told me she’d bought me a Prime Minister for Xmas, it was a complete surprise. However, I soon got the hang of it. Before you knew it I was having tremendous fun destabilising one of the greatest countries in the world, Europe was just a bonus. Thank you Amazillionaire!” (V Putin, Moscow, 2016)

“Ivanka asked me what I’d like for Xmas and I happened to mention that the NHS would be nice. To be fair, I didn’t think it was for sale but she got on the phone to Amazillionaire and those guys arranged a deal. It was easy, hassle-free and, like me, surprisingly cheap. *****” (D Trump, Mar A Lago Golf Club, 2017)

“There was some misunderstanding about a sexual assault that I did. Unfortunately, the police charged me just after I was elected. Thanks to the kind people at Amazillionaire, I was able to claim over half-a-million pounds in expenses while I did nothing for 3 years. Now I have been convicted, I’ve got a nice little nest egg to look forward to before my release, and eventual move to Thailand. (Imran Ahmad Khan, B Wing, 2022)

“I was on a Financial Conduct Authority Blacklist as an unfit person, but for £150,000 I got a David Warburton (MP) to lobby the FCA on my behalf. I’d never have thought of bribing an MP to bolster my reputation if it hadn’t been for Amazillionaire’s Black Friday Sale.” (Roman Joukovski, Mediterranean Yacht, 2022)