A furore has blown up after the Home Secretary, Nutella Braverman, sent classified emails using Gmail.
Concerns arose when the Russian News agency published a story outlining Nutella’s strategy for dealing with the vast amounts of illegally laundered Russian wealth floating around London. It seems that Nutella wants to raise money by increasing the amount paid by oligarchs to the Tory Party. One Russian spokesman, Mr P from Moscow, said, “Look, tovarich, I am not paying that! And if she insists on it, I will have to get myself a new Home Secretary.”
An investigation into the matter concluded that Nutella should have realised her error when the email address read firstname.lastname@example.org.
Once she realised her mistake, Nutella sent an email asking him to ignore the contents of the previous email. The Chatty Chimp has seen a copy of the text.
Please ignore my previous email; I sent it in error. What am I like? I meant to send it to my unauthorised, suspiciously funded think-tank advisor. Please disregard any sensitive or confidential material, or matters relating to national security. Thank you, Ivan, for your understanding. Or should I say, Lord Ivan? Wink wink.
p.s. Can you say hi to Vladimir for me? Give him my best.
Several days later, after being told to by the then Prime Minster, Nutella immediately resigned. In her resignation letter, she said she had breached national security. However, because she is not Priti Patel, she is considered an invaluable member of the Cabinet and, keen to restore the Conservative’s reputation for honesty, probity and trust, Rishi Sunak immediately re-appointed her as the person responsible for National Security. (Sometimes satire is hard to write. Ed).
To restore public confidence in the bampot, Rishi sent out the ironically named James Cleverly, Mike ‘The Coke’ Gove and Nadhim Zahawi on the media round; this didn’t help.
They argued that the rules on handling confidential information are complicated, and no one understands them, “have you read GDPR?” asked James before adding, “the only people with a chance of understanding them are bloody lawyers.”
Unfortunately, as Nutella Braverman is a former Attorney General and KC, this wasn’t much of a defence.
The Nutella story paled into insignificance after the Sunday papers revealed the long-term hacking of Liz Truss’s mobile. Clever Russians turned on the phone’s microphone and could listen to everything Liz Truss did. Kwasi Kwarteng was unavailable for comment.
Categories:Politics, The Westminster Monkey House