Facing a drastic shortfall in NHS staffing levels, the Government has released their cost-effective contingency plan. Instead od paying for properly trained and qualified nurses, doctors and specialists, staff numbers will be boosted by a range of alternative therapists; Shamen, Spiritualists, Faith Healers, Homeopaths and Reflexologists.

The NHS also plans to turn ‘contemplation and worship spaces’ into dedicated, cutting edge, ‘Thoughts & Prayers (T&P)’ treatment centres.

In the T&P centres, staff, family members and volunteers pray endlessly for a miracle. “This is a very exciting branch of treatment that’s proving very successful in the States. It’s very low-cost, anyone can do it. It works just like voting on the X Factor; if the sick person gets enough votes, then the almighty saves them. Simples.” explained Ian Napton.

T&P will also utilise Social Media, where people will be able to send healing thoughts as part of carefully orchestrated click-bait campaigns. At last, people will know that by clicking ‘Like’, ‘Retweet’ and ‘Share’ on annoyingly emotive posts, they will actually be doing some good.

Accident & Emergency departments and Ambulance Crew will be supplemented by a Mum’s Army. The ‘there, there’ brigade will provide emergency treatment using a range of  “Mummy kiss it better” therapies. They have already begun stockpiling hankies in the sleeves of voluminous cardigans.

The government has confirmed they will accept any suitably qualified expert in crackpot therapy who holds a ‘medical’ degree from an internet-based College, Religious School or the University of Texas. There will be a requirement for post-graduate training, with all new staff receiving a box of scented candles and some nice crystals. Once qualified, ‘Physician Associates’ can examine and diagnose patients, as well as offer treatment (honestly, you can’t make this shit up. Ed).

One government spokesman said, ” They’re a lot cheaper than proper doctors, and it doesn’t bother us because we go private anyway, so it is a win-win.”

Critics have claimed if we hadn’t pissed off all those foreign doctors and nurses by turning into a nation of racist arseholes, all of this could have been avoided. The Government said that kind of negativity spreads bad karma.