The Tories were jubilant after multiple fact-checking organisations confirmed they’d got one fact right.

During a parliamentary debate, the Home Secretary, James ‘Not So’ Cleverly, claimed that the northern town of Stockton is a ‘Shithole’. Fact-checkers were able to confirm that this was correct.

Ian Napton, a tofu-eating, Guardian-reading member of the Wokerati, travelled to Stockton on behalf of Full Fat Check. “It was clear from the moment I got off the Megabus that this place is a dump. It looked like downtown Gaza but more run down. Obviously, there was no way I’d be able to get a Soya Milk, double whipped Mochaccino with extra vanilla and cinnamon; I’d be lucky if they have Maxwell House.”

Unfortunately for Ian, coffee was the least of his problems as he was mugged in the high street five minutes later. He reported the crime to the local police station hotline, where a telephone operator handled his case. “What did you expect? You’re in Stockton, it’s a shithole, there is nothing we can do about it. Would you mind completing a short survey telling us how well we dealt with your complaint?”.

Faced with rows of boarded-up shops, five Greggs and a Poundland, Ian stared in disbelief at the red brick and concrete carbuncle in front of him and concluded, “Fuck this for a laugh, I’m back off down south.” And with that, he was back on the Megabus.

Despite his experience, Mr Napton was happy to confirm that Stockton is a shithole, “Yes, it’s definitely a shithole. However, I would say that technically Mr Cleverly should have referred to it as a “Fucking Shithole”, but I can confirm that he is substantively correct.”

Tory MPs were over the moon. “I can’t believe it; we actually got something right. I mean, statistically, it had to happen once. If you tell enough whoppers, one of them will eventually turn out to be true. And to think, it was old Not So himself, truly, wonders will never cease.” Said the Right Hon. Giles Giles MP.

In an effort to reclaim the media narrative and realign the Tory Party as the party of honesty, integrity and some other bullshit, Rishi Sunak and Kuenssberg flew his helicopter over Stockton while he pointed at the wasteland crying, “Look, see, it is a shithole! Now, driver, take me back to London tout suite.”

The story did take a rather odd turn when, despite House of Commons tapes showing him saying it, Not So decided to live up to his name by claiming that he didn’t say anything of the sort. Nice to see Not So returning to fact-checking form.

Once again, Labour pretended to be outraged by this shitshow but spectacularly failed to make political gains out of the story.

Meanwhile, your government continues.