The Tory election campaign started with a bang as the Government set about bombing brown people.

“Look, it’s simple, the stuff with the refugees isn’t working anymore. It’s as though the retarded knuckle-draggers who vote for us have become bored of the whole sorry saga. Don’t they understand what hard work it is trying to make these poor souls’ lives even more miserable? No, not a thought for the effort we put into it to get their vote. I mean, old “NotSo” Cleverly just doesn’t have the imagination of a Patel, Braverman or Beelezebub. So, when the Saudis suggested bombing Yemen, we jumped at the chance! It will be the Falklands all over again. Maggie would be creaming her draws at the thought of it.” Said the anonymous Tory grandee, Sir Giles Giles.

Before adding, “Not only does the Government see this as a vote winner, but watching our brave soldiers randomly bomb the impoverished, oppressed and benighted people in Yemen from very far away is an excellent way for the UK to show off the latest advances in wholesale slaughtering. Less a military action, more a trade show.”

Early polling suggests the strategy is doomed as most voters have no idea where Yemen is, and those who do realise that the Saudis have been bombing the Yemeni people with British weapons for the last eleven years.

One Houthi rebel said, “Same bombs, different finger on the trigger. What you gonna do? I’ll be glad when the election is over.” He went on to explain that this was just ‘business as usual’.

The Government claimed that it was essential to take action against these particular brownies because, even though the Houthis hadn’t killed anyone yet, they were making ships take the long way round, and this was causing sales of cheap plastic tat on Amazon to nosedive, and mildly inconveniencing no one in particular.

The Prime Minister cast doubt on Keir Starmer’s fitness to lead the country by saying, “If the Labour leader isn’t prepared to blow up brownies in foreign lands, how can he protect the people of Tunbridge Wells? The South-East is not safe in his hands.”